Philosophical / Personal

Why am I writing this here?
    
    Over the years, I have written a lot, and thought even more, sometimes to my mental sanity's detriment, about my confusions, and trying to deal with them, getting past them and faling into them again.
    But it's all been in a long text file / journal. It is hard to go through it and solidify information. In a way that can actually help me as I continue living on this planet we call home.
    
    I will go through each topic that I somehow stumble into writing about, collect and filter information, and try to write it here, maybe over a series of iterative articles, and hopefully as I do so, 
    I end up with material that starts to make sense, and make connections between the various strands of thought that go through my brain and then get lost.
    
    Maybe also, the way I try to make sense of my thoughts over the past years will help someone else as well, who has been going through similar thoughts, troubling or otherwise. I cannot say it will help
    him or her in any concrete sense, as in, I cannot give any solutions to deep problems or Philosophical questions, I am but a 30 year old programmer with no formal training aside from engineering, but perhaps the process in
    which I go through these questions will be some help, or at least, some comfort.
    
    Mainly, however, it is to get a sense of something tangible in the untangibleness of the mind. A few years ago, discussing a bit over consciousness and our minds and how things connect
    would be a major topic of conversation between my close friends and I. (Especially with Abhey.) However, ahem, these conversations would inevitably turn down a few oft talked about paths, and ahem, we would often not 
    be in the most fruitful of states of making connections between our older and newer points. The subject was too large to talk over in detail on a bench basically, but it did start us off in thinking about it. And that 
    was enough. Friendship is for a bit of these things, and more about enjoying time together. But here, I hope to build up at least a personal, tangible representation of what has been going on in my mind over the past years.
    
    Maybe once it is tangible enough, something can come of it that helps me/us in the next steps of learning. Otherwise, I sometimes feel like I will forever be lost in these few swirling threads of thought,
    instead of stepping outside of them long enough and seeing them from a non biased consciousness, instead of from within the center of the thought spirals themselves. Then maybe I can move on to other things. And not just the same things. Or at least, to a deeper level of the same things. 
    
    And I do want to understand more. I want to study it in my own way, I guess. Which might be the only way one truly understands something. Not by myself, obviously, but letting myself delve into different topics and to keep
    coming back to them. Perhaps writing and forcing myself to publish the writings here will force me into this non-biased consciousness, and to actually write in a way that makes sense, instead of streams of thoughts that seem to lose themselves in themselves.
    Perhaps here I can find the spaciousness needed to actually see what I think for what it is. I have gone past the stage where the principal motivation for doing things was external validation. Fame etc. Money was never really a principal motivator anyway. And I think, no one but me will read this site, so 
    there is no danger of writing fakeness to try and get some external validation. I think the age of writing to achieve those things is past anyway. For a long time, I lamented over this fact, that no one 
    reads anymore. Who was going to read and make my novel a best seller? But it's good. I can write without fear, but with discipline if I am to post here. And if someone does read it, this could lead to discussions which help me / us go further along 
    than just writing in my .txt file and keeping everything hidden there.  
    
    One additional note though, I am writing all this after finally having stopped worrying about tangibleness. I somehow now know that it is okay not to organise my self-knowledge. It comes out when needed, if 
    I am in a centred enough state. The problem is, a lot of times I do lose that state and delve into worry. Maybe by writing all this, I can recognise my though patterns more easily, and disengage from them even faster when I 
    know that they are not useful, and then, perhaps, even though does not make any difference to the real I, my brain at least, will have some measure of confidence in letting go of itself, and trust what it has already gone over and what is written here and trust the deeper
    consciousness, the deeper I, the deeper world, God, the connection between two oppposite polarity electrons, whatever the hell you want to call it, and whether you believe in it or not.
    
    Now that I've written this really long winded introduction, I find that I'm not sure where to start from or what to write about. LOL. But that's okay. When I don't have anything to write about, it means 
    life must probably be going well. Or it's going really badly. Obviously, it's actually just going. Maybe I can start a bit with this, actually.
    
    Topics
    
    - Running page on Gödel, Escher, Bach
    - Wolfram and Computation of the world
    
    - What is consciousness?
    - Building up an understanding of nature from the genome
    - Building up an understanding of nature from quantom physics
    - Mind Patterns and Bad Loops
    - Ego, how bad or good is it? Is it good or bad, or just false?
    
    
    
    I'm interested to see what I do.