For the past two or so years, ever since Corona unleashed it self, I have been stuck, entangled, in a devestating, crushing, self-referentially-looping hell of a mind wrap.
Maybe it can happen when one isolates for too long. Where the only springboard for your ideas is you yourself. But a higher level you, at least, that's what you think.
Every little thing. (Usually it was a host of interconnected little thoughts) that would encumber me completely. Paralyse. I couldn't reply, couldn't do anything. Because as soon as I think to do it, another thought pops up, warning me of what I would have to do next if I sent this message, of what could be the possible replies, and the possible things that would follow on from there.
And I would either get stuck, falling into some nensensical loop of despair, hating myself, and hating the other person for making me hate myself, and thinking that the only way to get out of this was to run away, to go and live in some forest alone, to resign from the world.
Stupid, so stupid. So much self-inflicted mental torture from a source of nothing.
Not the wanting to live for a while in a forest, that's fine, but the mental torture for no reason, it's so stupid.
Some matters are complicated. But now, when I can't no the answer to something directly, I say I don't know, and move on for the moment. If it comes back, maybe it comes with some additional insigts, if not, I say I don't know and move on.
This is the algorithm I am going to follow now. Maybe it will help focus my mind to spend on actual complexity, instead of the incredible complexity generated by my speculating mind swamped with generated fears and despairs.
Feel like for a lot of things, there is no point to talk about them.
Like obviously they are like they are. Or whatever happens is of little change, consequence.
Or maybe it's I'm not talking with enough different people. Because with some people, talking about some things would make sense, and with other people, other things.
I don't think you are supposed to / can always be able to talk about everything with one person only forever.
Your life partner or spouse is not supposed to fullfil that, I guess. They are to be the base. You and them together.
Maybe related, but usually not, I sometimes fall into zero trust in everyone I know in and myself. Everyone. Everyone. I think they are all out to do achieve their selfish ends, and only to use me in the process.
Lose all trust that people want to do good.
Lose all trust in "good".
Lose all trust in myself.
I trifecta. Fear borne out of shame, and a wheel of worrying cycling about.
What a waste.
There is so much to life that requires worrying, but I am stuck worrying about woryying.
I don't work hard to "progress" because I don't want to leave those with me behind, or feel bad. Then I don't like it when other people do progress.
What a stupid idiot.
Do I only do things out of pity, or because I like someone, or something, or because I care about them.
The point is when I believe in the point. When I believe that all these things are true. When you believe in good, there is good. When you believe in people, that they will do good, that they will try to do good.
And what they can't, they can't, natural failings, human failings. That's okay. That shouldn't hurt me.
Honest description of the Zombie moments.
Doing nothing. Coming across a thought and then contemplating forever over it.
Should be doing something. Think of someone else. Or think how I'm doing something and then think of someone else, and even though no connection, I create some ridiculous jump of thought. (like how does reading about sci-kit learn ake me think of how would she be feeling k am learning instead of what? See? I don't even know what I think exactly, but I attach some kind of connotation to a completely unrelated, neutral thing. God help me when I do it to something related.) Stop doing something. Think should be doing something for that someone else. Then get pissed, why does everyone want to make me a part of their story. Why can't people realize that everyone is a part of everyone's story. Then would all spend time with each other but respect each other's time and space too. Then of course, that there is no story, and that we are making up all the stories. We can make bad stories, or good stories, or neutral stories about every person and every interaction in our lives. But we could also just see every person for who they are, and not as the stories we've made them out to be. So the first step might be, to realize that I've stopped doing what I wanted to do because of stories in my mind. My mind. My mind stopped what I wanted to do.
If it, or the world, or whatever, wants you to do something, it will also help you to do it, if you choose it as well.
If the world wants me to do many things, then it will help me do it, all of them, in some form, over some time, I dunno how, but will help me do it, if I choose to.
These addictions, to try and fill some lack, some gabrahat.
If was only to enjoy scenes, would be fine. But I take to them to enjoy scenes, not to go with the scene.
Then I neither enjoy the things, the scene, or anything.
Don't have to worry about anything for now. Yes, the future. And how it meets my present. That is a sticking point.
Sometimes there is a pulling into doing nothing. That's not the pulling of nothing that clears everything. It just wants to black it out. Should I follow it and let it, and then the clearing comes? Or should I stop it. Or I look at it for a while without doing anything else, including nothing.
One part of me says to be happy with it. With the time. Another part wants more: Wants to unleash love.
Wants to be normal about it.
Not get into other side of ego too, but get out of it.
And what does she want? I don't know. But I don't think she can spend too much time in Pak. She barely meets her family, how much would she want to be with mine? Is that important? Yes. At least as much as me, interaction honi chahiye.
I guess wo ho bhi jaye ga. Abhi sey kam interactiontou nhn hosakti.
I don't know. I say I am not angry or doubt her. But still it comes back. i don't doubt. Do I have a problem with her having normal fun without me?
One thing is if I can do it. Can bring her in. Ad in k other things let me do it.
But the other thing is myself. What do I want. I say ideally I want it.
Basically I am deciding for my heart. If I am to give it or not. Altho actually I can't decide for it. It decides itself. And maybe it decides in weird ways, steps. And not in these kinds of major decisions.
At least I can try to listen to it, and ask it what it wants. Not what would be strategically good for me, or it.
pehlay clarify what it wants, then look for strategies to support it. Then mind can step in, is allowed to, but not twisting it around, okay?
## Running away
That's the main problem. Main cognitive problem I've been going through. Pulling some mental jujitsu to avoid the thing happening in front of me. Instead, running away into some mental thinking that maybe springs out from the thing happening in front of me, but does not have anything to the with the reality of what's happening infront of me.
## Trying to impress
Even though I didn't realize or admit it before, mostly because I look down upon this particular thing so much, k that is what I was worried about. All this time when I didn't know what to say, just walking around or sitting around, to make conversation, it was because I was, and still sometimes find myself trying to say somwthign that she will find so interesting k will be hooked in.
This is common to all the problems. I forgot myself.
Is the spelling correct?
I dunno.
But here's the thing. I am never happy and proud of myself enough.
I don't show my music. I don't show my writing. I don't show my thoughts.
Is this why I haven't yet been able to cross Do I consider my friends, my family, and Heidi as m